BG1 NPC Project Preview Banters
Ajantis-Edwin (by Merja)
Ajantis: I have been warned about your blood-cowled kind, wizard. Have you no fear of divine punishment?
Edwin: You think any deity gives a fig, my naive cavalier? If any deity ever hears out at least the tenth portion of the pathetic fools crowding in the temples, their days are full, without bothering with retribution. (Though one might be tempted to cast divine lightning on the more idiotic, as a stress reliever.) So, you see, I have nothing to worry about. As for the gods who do not indulge these cretins and their constant whining, I am fully assured it would endorse my outstanding intellect rather than punish it.
Ajantis: You are wrong to think your actions go unwatched by the gods. At least one defender of justice has his eyes set on you, and you should fear the forces of right!
Edwin: Oh! That would be you and your Helm? (How utterly boring...) Now I am truly scared. What are you going to do? Murder me in the middle of the square? Go on, attempt it, though that armor will certainly provide a lovely tin wrapping for the stake you will become. I am sure your Helm will be greatly pleased with such a deed.
Ajantis: He would be pleased with your death, as he would be pleased with the death of any vile serpent. Men like you are a stain, Edwin, and it is my mission to have them removed.
Edwin: There are no men like me, Ajantis. There is only me. (That was certainly one of my best lines yet. As soon as I am rid of him, I shall take the time to write it down in my memoirs.)
Ajantis: Each follower of evil thinks himself unique for some reason, wizard, but there is nothing that makes foul men more similar than their delusion of being exceptional. You think too much of yourself, and that will be your doom.
Edwin: I think I'd rather meet my doom thinking too much of myself then spend a lifetime thinking myself a small tile on the floor of the Temple of any god.
Alora-Eldoth by NiGHTMARE
Alora: Eldoth, your songs. They're always so... so...
Eldoth: Brilliant? Inspired?
Alora: No, that's not it...
Eldoth: Wondrous? Amazing?
Alora: No... they're... they're just awful!
Eldoth: Hmmph. I trust you are referring to their subject matter and not their musical form, for I can assure you that the latter is as near as perfection as can be.
Alora: It's the words... must you always sing about death, hatred and betrayal?
Eldoth: Of course! After all, are these not the certainties of life?
Alora: Hatred and betrayal are certainties to you?
Eldoth: If you were not quite so naive, then they would be to you as well.
Branwen-Dynaheir (by Karkaddin)
Branwen: Do you never tire of slaying foes with the wiggling of your fingers? Yes, yes, there are flames and lightning colored as rainbows and Tempus knows what else, but surely such things, grand as they appear, lack the sheer joy of crushing the ribs of your foe with your might until the shattered pieces pierce his heart....
Dynaheir: Dost thou never stop to consider the morbid images that wrap themselves 'round thy words as venomous serpents 'round a tree branch? Thy lack of recognition for the pains thou dost cause with such zest troubles the soul.
Branwen: No... in my homeland, we have no snakes that go aloft to the trees.
Dynaheir: By the Three, battle priestess, pretend not to miss the point! Thou dost understand me well enough.
Coran-Minsc (by Domi)
Coran: Minsc, you traveled this far to be accepted to the Ice Dragon berserker lodge? The membership must be highly sought, if you are to accomplish such a feat to join.
Minsc: 'tis true. The lodge is a place for legendary warriors to meet and their trade tales of fights with evil, manly deeds and manly talk.
Coran: Dragons killed single-handedly and such?
Minsc: Deeds of valor and great bravery. And all done in berserk fury!
Coran: Hmmm. I remember I once crossed a river at the rapids, jumping from slippery stone to slippery stone, fighting for my dear life every step of the way. It was bravery and folly at the same time.
Minsc: Were there any monsters? Fighting evil is the necessary part of hero-ing!
Coran: Some xvarts were shooting arrows at me, as far as I can recall.
Minsc: Oh, why did not you say so from the very beginning? That's the most interesting part! Look, Boo is all ears now!
Coran: It has ears? Oh, well. There were some xvarts. I fought them and then I crossed the river as they chased me.
Minsc: You walked away from the battle? That's cowardice! You should have charged blindly on!
Coran: * Shrugs* One does grow tired of fighting xvarts, you know.
Dynaheir-Jaheira (by SarahJ)
Dynaheir: Jaheira, canst thou tell me what kind of herb this is? It hath a strong fragrance, refreshing and soothing both.
Jaheira: Mhmm, yes. This is Arrowmint, prized by incense-makers and for its antiseptic properties.
Dynaheir: Antiseptic, thou sayest? Doth it need to be specially prepared?
Jaheira: No, while it can be used in salves, it is most effective when the fresh leaves are crushed and applied directly to a wound.
Dynaheir: Most interesting. I thank thee for sharing thy knowledge with me. While I am well versed in the herbal lore of my home, many of the plants that grow in these lands are unknown to me.
Jaheira: Nature provides well for her children, and I am glad to assist anyone who appreciates her bounty.
Edwin-Quayle (by Merja)
Edwin: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You speak from morning till evening and even in your sleep you mutter something. I am positively and utterly tired of your prattle. (And I have a growing migraine, completely not drinking related, of course.) Just shut up!
Quayle: My amazing brain has to find its relief verbally. If I hold on to all the ideas that it creates, my head would burst. And you would do well to listen to what I say; maybe you will smarten up some.
Edwin: I do not need to smarten up. If I were but a tad more intelligent (as we with the advanced vocabulary like to call it) the gods themselves would be jealous.
Quayle: Oh, that is a cruel destiny but some of us learnt to cope with it—me, for example, if you are too stupid to get my subtle hint.
Edwin: Certainly, then, you must know silence is the breeding ground of thought? (If even this fails, I will find a bard to sell his vocal chords to. Surely no guitar string has ever withstood so much pressure without failing) Do attempt to nest some useful thoughts in that resounding skull of yours.
Quayle: Actually, according to my last research, discussion is the most productive way to develop ideas. They call it brainstorming, a technique that I have easily mastered. But nay, mastered is an understatement. I have perfected this technique and raised it to a form of art; I can do brain-hurricaning or brain-typhooning or brain-earthquaking...not only mere, humble "storming".
Edwin: Stay away from me gnome. Now and forevermore...stay away from me! Else I will research the depth of every bodily orifice you have with the very first lightning rod I encounter! (Why do I suffer these fools? Surely there must be a better fate for a skilled mage such as I somewhere on this simian infested continent.)
Eldoth-Jaheira (by Dan)
Eldoth: Might I spin you a tale, milady?
Jaheira: If this one is as venom-laden as your usual lot, then I will have to decline.
Eldoth: Ah, but this is an immensely intriguing tale, my voluptuous woods-queen.
Jaheira: Your wha—
Eldoth: Shh, shh. It's a tale of a headstrong and domineering sort of woman, so caught up in her boorish fixation on her skewed sense of the right that she often broke the spirits of her loved ones and ... well, perhaps you've heard of it?
Jaheira: Miserable swine. Already your tale smells foul.
Eldoth: Yes, much like aforementioned lady. It would seem that shunning societal conveniences like bathing produces a rather pungent odor.
Jaheira: Hm. You know, Eldoth, I am reminded of a similar story.
Jaheira: I don't recall much but the ending, when the poor fool's head was caved in by but a simple strike from but a simple wooden staff.
Eldoth: ... point duly noted.
Faldorn-Imoen (by Domi)
Faldorn: Imoen! This cockroach was on its way and did not display aggression. Why kill it?
Imoen: Because it's icky! And crawly, and dirty and disgusting!
Faldorn: Do not be ridiculous Imoen. You had a sudden strike of your killer instinct and wanted it for food that must be it. You do not have to pretend with me, I am no degenerative townling.
Imoen: Food? I don't eat such things! It... they live in manure! They are everywhere! Uh, there's another one! *splat* Please Faldorn, please let go of my ear!
Faldorn: Did you lose your wits completely? Or did these monks in the library alter your natural instincts so much that you misinterpret them? Animals you eat produce manure in case it is not known in Candlekeep. Now be true to your nature and eat your kills. Before I'd splat * you * and feed you to their colony to compensate for the loss they endured from you.
Imoen: Hum. I'm, I'm not hungry! I'll eat them *heh* later. Maybe we can share? What's a snack without (ahem) your flock?
Faldorn: Now you are talking straight. It's always pleasing to put some townling's brains right and make her see the true way of things.
Garrick-Eldoth (by Andyr)
Garrick: Don't you ever want to make music about happy things? I could teach you some of my songs, if you'd like. I was trained in Berdusk, you know.
Eldoth: Ah, the naïve would-be bard speaks. You don't know anything of the real world, and your playing I find sloppy and with a distinct lack of technique.
Garrick: That's a bit unfair. I was just trying to be friendly. I had hoped we could exchange songs and tales of adventure.
Eldoth: Ha, there is nothing I could learn from you. What are your tales of adventure? Drinking a pint of ale for the first time perhaps? You wouldn't last a minute in the real world without us adults at your back.
Garrick: Why do you say these things? You're so mean!
Eldoth: Don't speak to me then, if your childish mind can't hack the truth.
Imoen: So Khalid, you busy?
Khalid: I s-suppose not. What do you want to talk about?
Imoen: Oh, I was just wonderin' what Elminster was like.
Khalid: Why are you asking me?
Imoen: Well, you are a Harper, you know, so I thought you'd be able to tell what he's like. You know, what his favorite story is, where he likes to spend his time vacationing, his favorite food. You know, stuff like that.
Khalid: I've been to B-Baldur's Gate, too. Do you therefore d-deduce that I'm a drinking partner of the G-Grand Dukes?
Imoen: That would be somethin', wouldn't it? Khalid, Partner of the Grand Dukes! Has a nice ring to it, not so much as if it were Imoen, but still pretty good.
Imoen: But seriously, you really don't know him then?
Khalid: I'm afraid not. For all that there are so many famous p-people in Faerun, I really don't know any of them
Imoen: Really? And here I was thinking you were the most worldly man in the Sword Coast, well besides Elminster. (sighs) Oh, well. I guess you'll have to become famous yourself. Then I can claim I know you.
Jaheira-Khalid (by Htn)
Jaheira: Any thoughts on where we might go when this is over, Khalid?
Khalid: Well, I know you never cared for Calimshan. We could go back to visit Tethyr...for a short while.
Jaheira: Eh, much as it had been --for lack of a better word -- "home", I'd be much happier to forget its existence altogether.
Khalid: You know, even though this trip has been hard and dangerous, I've noticed you're enjoying yourself...and so am I. We could just continue to travel with <CHARNAME>...to keep an eye on him/her for Gorion's sake, of course.
Jaheira: Oh, of course...but Khalid, my love, know that to me now "home" is where ever you are.
Khalid: As you are to me, Jaheira.
Kagain-Safana (by Hendryk)
Kagain: I guess CHARNAME knows what's what and all but I'm dead and damned if *I* sees the need for another dip in our midst.
Safana: Poor little fellow! Are you afraid I'll eat the apple off your head?
Kagain: Ye be lank enough for it. If ye find such a fruit up there, help yourself.
Safana: Don't fret. I prefer to dine off more... appetizing... dishes.
Kagain: Your appetites be clear for certain. Just recall that ye wish to fill them tomorrow as well as today.
Jaheira-Khalid (by Arian)
Khalid: (laughing) C-Coran wanted to know whether my shyness was attractive to girls or not. I said I had n-no idea. So I thought perhaps I'd b-better ask someone who was likely to know. D-don't you think my ... shyness is attractive?
Jaheira: Oh, yes, you are certainly very shy, aren't you? That was a very emphatic burst of shyness you engaged in last night. I'd say that that sort of shyness would be extremely attractive...
Khalid: Th-thank you, my gentle friend * kiss *
Kivan-Viconia (by Domi)
Kivan: (* Quietly *) I have seen a small settlement, savaged by Drow once. I saw a girl no older than ten years, clutching a stuffed doll, her throat opened by a Drow's blade.
Viconia: A female is a formidable opponent, no matter how old. Do you ask a goblin if he is fully-grown before thrusting your spear through its heart?
Kivan: There was a Drow soldier, laying by her side, his amour and cruel weapons turned to dust by the rays of the noon sun. He was killed by a single thrust of a dagger through the back of his neck, a dagger that had also turned to dust. My captain told me that it was not unusual for a Drow to murder his own out of envy or to promote himself.
Viconia: That is the way of my kin, the strongest wins. Tell me that it is not so in your world, darthiir and you will be lying.
Kivan: An Elf or a Human can be vile and commit terrible deeds, but I have no word to describe a creature, who would slaughter his own to attribute to himself a murder of a child.
Viconia: (*bitterly *) You do not understand the ways of my people, Kivan, and no amount of explanation on my part will make it clear. Kivan, among the drow, there is a powerful drive to gain glory through the favor of the Spider Queen ... Nothing has greater precedence in their thought.
Kivan: Custom cannot change an evil thing into a good one. Viconia, you could have been in the party that destroyed the village I am talking about, could not you?
Viconia: * Hisses * Foolish iblith! I was of the House DeVir, the Fourth House of Menzzoberranzan and I am jalil: a female. I would not have BEEN in the raiding party! If anything I would have *lead* it!
Kivan: Then do not say that you are persecuted unjustly by the surfacers, Viconia.
Minsc-Xan (by Aurelius)
Minsc: Friend Xan, do you trust Minsc?
Xan: What? Why would you ask such a thing?
Minsc: Please, just answer Minsc.
Xan: Well...you're not so bad for a human. Too bad you'll end up as a casualty of our hopeless cause, which, as I pointed out before, has every chance to...
Minsc: Yes, yes. Please give Minsc your hand and close your eyes.
Xan: Minsc, what's come over you? Let go of me!
Minsc: Please, no peaking.
Xan: (sigh) Very well, but you should know you behavior starts to worry me more each day. Perhaps you should...
Minsc: Here. Feel the furry bundle of goodness that is Boo, and let his hamster fuzziness clear away your troubles. Smile little wizard, for no troubles can resist the soothing touch of a hamster!
Xan: What?! Let me go you deceiver, let me go!
Minsc: Boo, your powers seem to have been too much for the little elf. Look how he dances around after you have freed his mind of worries.
Xan: What were you doing? Are you trying to kill me? Great gods of Evermeet, please, don't let me catch the plague!
Minsc: Oh, no need to thank Minsc. Boo was the one that brought you such joy.
Xan: Joy?! You call THIS joy?!! Have you any idea what diseases can I get from touching that rodent?! Oh gods, I need to wash my hands! They're starting to itch! A...a...a...AT-CHA! AT-CHA!
Minsc: Yes Boo, he seems more alive than ever. Look, he's turning red from excitement and his whole body seems to puff with merriment. Oh, you'll get some extra nuts tonight mister. You certainly deserve them.
Montaron-Yeslick (by Hendryk)
Montaron: Hmph! Home fer lost puppies is back yonder, not thisaways.
Yeslick: But that cursed mage *is* 'thisaways' so thence am I bound.
Montaron: Fat load o' good ye'll be.
Yeslick: I bear no grudge for your words, finding me as and where you did. But this is my home. You'll benefit from my guidance if in no otherwise.
Montaron: And yon mage has had how long—months?—to place guards and set traps ye know naught of?
Yeslick: True enough. But I've also some healing skill; sufficient, I daresay, to put us both right after one of my mistakes.
Montaron: Heh. Fetch yerself, then. You'll do no worse than t' draw the stroke as might of sought me otherwise.
Quayle-Garrick (by Andyr)
Quayle: You know Garrick they say silence is golden. So maybe you could keep the humming to yourself for a bit? I'm trying to master a new and amazingly potent spell.
Garrick: Funny you say silence is golden, when it seems to me that your voice is both loudest and most often heard.
Quayle: Us with intelligence have the right to use our voices as we wish.
Garrick: So what makes you think I'm not intelligent?
Quayle: Come on boy! You're pleasant enough but look at the size of your nose! It's miniscule! Everyone knows the relationship between nasal and cranial capacity. I mean, my brain is so big I have to wear this hat to stop me from overheating. It's specially ventilated you know.
Garrick: Oh, so that's what the hat's for? I always thought you were compensating for something else, Quayle.
Quayle: I don't know what you mean.
Garrick: Uh, never mind then. (Score one for me!)
Safana-Khalid (by Kiki and husband)
Safana: So, Khalid, aren't you wondering what would take such a charming creature as myself so far from home?
Khalid: I'm s-sorry, Safana, I was thinking about something. What did you s-say?
Safana: Aren't you wondering anything about me? Or are you completely blinded to my presence by your overseer?
Khalid: I d-don't know what to ask you. And your interest in me is a little s-strange. Surely my d-devotion to Jaheira is no secret.
Safana: I do wonder could you not have done better than Jaheira the Domineering? There's not an hour that goes by that she doesn't pick at you or snap at someone.
Khalid: Jaheira isn't really d-d-do-dom *sigh* d-damn that sound - bossy. There are some things in our past that you d-don't know about, Safana.
Safana: No? Well, I'm not really interested in the past. I keep my eyes on the future and--
Safana: Never mind, darling, I see her staring at us. We'll continue this some other time.
Shar-Teel-Kagain (by Turkish Delight)
Shar-Teel: There are few males I can say I respect, Kagain. You, however, I can at least understand. We both share a similar love of bloodshed and battle!
Kagain: Who cares about bloodshed? I kill who I have to kill in order to make myself stinking rich. The fact that I get to mash a few brainless humans or pansy elves is just gravy. Going out of your way to kill is bad business.
Shar-Teel: Gold is fine, but nothing can beat the visceral thrill you can get from driving your blade into something's guts! To feel your enemies thrash their lives out impaled on your sword is the ultimate satisfaction. You need to set your priorities straight, dwarf.
Kagain: I've got my priorities perfectly straight, witch! Nothing is more important than gold. Nothing! When I see a massive pile of glittering gold coins, spread out as far as the eye can see, just waiting to be taken... Ohhhh, what a feeling I get! Splitting something's skull with my axe is merely a means towards that end, nothing more. Now shut your trap.
Shar-Teel: Kindred spirits we may be in the pursuit of battle, but in wit you're no equal of mine. I believe your brain has gone soft through overdrinking and mindless lust for gold. So be it; I leave you to fester in your own weakness, fool.
Garrick-Skie (by Weyoun)
Skie: Garrick, yes?
Garrick: Wha-wha-wha ME?!
Skie: Erm, sorry to startle you, but you were looking in my direction and I thought you wanted to ask me a question.
Garrick: Y-you saw that? Errm, I mean, no, no, I'm fine, fair Skie... I mean, friend Skie.
Skie: Are you sure you're fine? Your face is turning red! I hope you're not coming down with something. It's been raining a lot, after all.
Garrick: No, no, I'm fine, more than fine.
Skie: Okay, but we could ask <CHARNAME> if we can visit a temple if you start feeling worse. When you're on the road, you have to know how to take care of yourself, after all. Just look at my new Yeti-skin boots: all polished and ready for everything. You can drag these through the mud and they'll still look pretty. And they say I'm not ready for a life on the road! Just look at my lovely silk traveler's tunic and tell me I'm not well equipped for adventure!
Garrick: I can't... take my eyes away
Tiax-Edwin (by Turkish Delight)
Tiax: Tiax thinks the Red Wizards would make perfect slaves to his glory. Someday, the remainder of your organization will bend knee to my majesty just as you have, my servant! What a glorious day that shall be! A thousand red-robed wizards, all paying homage to their liege and praying that his wrath does not descend upon them! Tiax shall stand before them, and they shall TREMBLE at his slightest spoken word!
Edwin: (Again I am shaken from my thoughts by the ranting of mindless inferiors...) Can't you see I'm thinking, gnome!? If you wish to prattle on about whatever idiocy it is you've dreamed up now, then do so where I can no longer hear you, see you... or smell you, for that matter.
Tiax: ...and when Tiax stands before that congregation of slave-mages dedicated to his service, he shall be sure and tear your heart from your chest and feed it to wild dogs, that all might know the penalty of disobeying his command! If you will not serve obediently as a mage, then you shall serve as a grisly example of the fate of all unbelievers!
Edwin: (All it would take is a knife carefully drawn across the throat in his sleep, or a "poorly aimed" spell, and I could be rid of this ranting fool forever. So tempting... so tempting...)
Viconia-Eldoth (by Dan)
Viconia: Male, fetch me something to eat.
Eldoth: My dear, do pipe down. Some of the more civilized members of this party are tying to think. Don't interrupt us with your primitive search for food.
Viconia: Were we in the Underdark, you would surely be killed for your arrogance. 'Tis a pity it cannot be so here. All the same, you would do well to watch your tongue, jaluk.
(If Skie is in the party)
Eldoth: Yes, yes, whatever you say my dark little beauty. If you're truly interested in living on the surface, go consult with Skie on knitting or baking cakes or all the other things women love to cluck on about.
(If Skie is not)
Eldoth: Yes, yes, whatever you say my dark little beauty. If you're truly interested in living on the surface, perhaps you should take up knitting, or learn to bake.
Viconia: Pfeh! Be wary, jaluk. I won't be placed in your surface woman's subservience ... and I don't take insult lightly.
Xan-Alora (by Thanatos)
Xan: Alora, why can't you walk like the rest of us, instead of your foolish prancing.
Alora: Because its fun to skip! Come on Xan, try it! You'll see!
Xan: Unlike you child, I would rather die with dignity.
Alora: Come on, smile! Here, smell this flower, and let positive energy flow in.
Xan: Oh wonderful, you killed a flower in deluded hopes of me joining in your fantasy world.
Alora: Xan, I WILL tickle you if I have to. You will smile.
Xan: You'll do no such thing little halfling! *sigh* Why did I ever open my mouth?
Xzar-Khalid (by Hendryk)
Xzar: Why, hello, b-b-brave p-protector. We should chat a moment, you and I.
Khalid: Say what you must and be d-done the sooner.
Xzar: Oh, get stuffed. I was merely looking under thumbs and there you were. So I thought it civil to pass the time of day.
Khalid: My d-domestic arrangements are none of your affair and I've n-no desire to pass anything with *you*, n-necromancer.
Montaron: Passin' somethin' sharp *through* 'im be a different story, eh?
Xzar: Well, there! I take an intelligent interest in death, the sole and proper goal of all life, and what do I get from the yet-living minority? Purblind bigotry, every time!
Khalid: The true goals of life appear in the living of it.
Xzar: ROT!!! If we all lived forever, not ten of us would find justification for existence in that case.
Khalid: Then d-do you not risk the appearance of hypocrisy, d-declining to attain immediately to *your* proper goal?
Xzar: *I*!?! Perish? Who, then, would instruct you in the proprieties?
Khalid: If we are all to d-die in any case, our instruction cannot matter much. C-certainly not to you.
Xzar: Ah, you speak too truly. My altruism is sadly misplaced. (sigh) Beseems I must stay my lonely course for no reward beyond the meager returns of pure knowledge - for I utterly discount any value in the wealth, fame and power for which I am destined.
Khalid: Oh, n-naturally.
Yeslick- Garrick (by Tancred)
Yeslick: Always singin' about others, ye be, boy. Ye've never wanted to be the hero of your own ballad?
Garrick: Hmmm, The Ballad of Brave Sir Garrick... Sometimes, I guess, but then if I get myself killed who would write it? I'd rather keep the songs for myself and leave the dragon slaying to those that want it...
Yeslick: Hmph. I'll make ye a deal, then. Ye go out there just once, put yer faith in the Rock of Battle, and face the foe with nary a thought of hiding or running, and I'll be there to cover your left, eh? And I'll even put you back together again afterwards as and when needs be. How's that?
Garrick: I -
Yeslick: Good! Then let's get you ready! Come on, now, get out your sword!
Garrick: Wha- what? But there's nothing - I've, er, had a sudden burst of inspiration, where's my pen? I need to compose -
Yeslick: No arguments, soldier! Let me see that sword swing, or I'll start a-swingin' meself!
Garrick: Yikes! Um, yes sir!
Yeslick: One-two! One-two! Put yer back into it! As ye walk! Pick yerself up, keep at it! We've got to work on your balance, boy! By Clangeddin's twin axes, I'll make a warrior o' ye yet!