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Comments on "Layla's Tale"


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#1 Kaeloree

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 10:36 PM

I would be interested in checking this out, but what you've got here is very difficult to read. Each line of dialogue needs a newline, and generally the text needs to be split up to make it more readable.

Once you've done that, it'll be much easier for people to read through. :blush:

#2 DeathAngel

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Posted 06 November 2009 - 10:54 AM

I see thanks for that. I know I've always had a problem with run on sentences and should defiantly try and fix it. Thanks for the advise though.
"Dying's easy Living's hard"

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#3 Jordoo

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Posted 06 November 2009 - 11:53 AM

I agree with Kaeloree, about the structure, but I went ahead and started reading it anyways. I think Layla is much to trusting and friendly toward Izzdarrak and Izzdarrak is much to open toward Layla to start off seems like it should take alot longer. But I really am enjoying the story so far even though I have only made it the logging camp. You've put together some great elements in the party to keep things rolling along interestingly. Layla is a drow but basically a surface elf, you've got the humerous Gnome, the Motherly Cleric the dutyfull paladin (and his squire) plus the bruding Drow love interest.

#4 DeathAngel

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Posted 06 November 2009 - 12:11 PM

Thanks for that and I promise to work on the structure when I have the time. If you have any suggestions about how I should do that please let me know I want it to be a good story. About how fast it goes I know it goes a little to fast but what can I say I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic at times. I'll try to bring out my cynical side to fix that. lol
"Dying's easy Living's hard"

"Hither, hither, hither
Love this boon has sent-
If I die and wither
I shall die content" -John Keats


"At the heart of every cynic is a frustrated romantic."

You should read my stuff on fanfiction.net because it's totally awesome (yes, yes this will make them respect me)

#5 Jordoo

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 01:53 PM

I hope there is more comming soon! :blush:

Your male drow are way too easily swayed by a female drow treating them well, IMO. But thats a small flaw epecially since it would be shocking for them and certainly have an impact I just think it would take quite a while for them to trust. But her outlook really is kind of the main story anyway.

More Please!

#6 DeathAngel

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 08:20 PM

I'm thrilled you like it, really :blush: and I promise to up date as soon as possible. I'm almost done with the next chapter. Though I may try and fix it up a bit before I post it and I will try to stretch things out when I revise it.
"Dying's easy Living's hard"

"Hither, hither, hither
Love this boon has sent-
If I die and wither
I shall die content" -John Keats


"At the heart of every cynic is a frustrated romantic."

You should read my stuff on fanfiction.net because it's totally awesome (yes, yes this will make them respect me)

#7 Arker

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 08:22 PM

Aside from the structure, it's great. I am eagerly awaiting more. :blush:
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#8 DeathAngel

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 09:56 PM

Thank you! :blush: I'm glad it's being so well received apart from a few structural errors. It's just when i started I said to myself I'll put it all in proper format later. I guess I just got so use to seeing it that way that I didn't like twice before posting it and I thank you all for bringing it to my attention and will probably re-post after I fix it.

Edited by DeathAngel, 09 November 2009 - 09:34 AM.

"Dying's easy Living's hard"

"Hither, hither, hither
Love this boon has sent-
If I die and wither
I shall die content" -John Keats


"At the heart of every cynic is a frustrated romantic."

You should read my stuff on fanfiction.net because it's totally awesome (yes, yes this will make them respect me)

#9 Jordoo

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 06:18 AM

I hope you realize that I was not trying to be negative, I really enjoyed your story so far. I was just trying to be constructive and add my general thoughts although I seem to have forgotten to compliment you on the stuff I liked, oops. :D

I love Layla's character she's hard not to like/root for and seems to have an unbreakable spirit fitting of a drow raised on the surface by good parents. I also felt that you did a great job keeping things moving along with the story and avoiding too much character developement with the minor characters at the begginning. You kept to the main players and kind of strung the others along here and there very nicely. (except for Morrona I forget she's even around until there is a fight or something, she might benefit from a tiny bit of character developement) I can't wait to see how the romance evolves as they get past the "honeymoon" stage and learn more about each other.

BTW, on format, I am by no means good with grammer, spelling and the like but breaking things into paragraphs and even chapters would do wonders for the structure and general reading ease.

Keep up the good work, looking forward to more and thanks for posting it. :blush:

Edit: Oh and there is nothing wrong with being a hopless romantic, I have a soft spot for happy endings myself and always enjoy a good romance.

Edited by Jordoo, 09 November 2009 - 06:29 AM.


#10 DeathAngel

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 09:35 AM

Thank you and you are right about Maronna I do need to develop her a bit more and will be working on that as I revise it.
"Dying's easy Living's hard"

"Hither, hither, hither
Love this boon has sent-
If I die and wither
I shall die content" -John Keats


"At the heart of every cynic is a frustrated romantic."

You should read my stuff on fanfiction.net because it's totally awesome (yes, yes this will make them respect me)

#11 Jordoo

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 10:21 AM

BTW, on format, I am by no means good with grammer, spelling and the like but breaking things into paragraphs and even chapters would do wonders for the structure and general reading ease.


Quoting myself because of how unclear I am and because I forgot to finish mythoughts in the other post, wow I'm a dunce some times sorry!

I know that you've got chapters and paragraphs but what I'm suggesting is breaking things up to form more paragraphs and maby a blank line between each paragraph. Also possibly chapter Names in bigger bold print with spacing above and below them. Again I'm no writer or grammer freak so this is really just from an "easier on the eyes" point of view and because you asked for suggestions.


Edit: Looks like you've already started doing this. I like how you sepparated out the actual spoken lines by the characters.

Edited by Jordoo, 09 November 2009 - 10:24 AM.


#12 DeathAngel

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 10:45 AM

Thank you and I will try to think up names for the chapters. It's just I'm not very good when it comes to naming things. Most of the character names I got from either a D&D character name generator or a Drow name generator. lol
"Dying's easy Living's hard"

"Hither, hither, hither
Love this boon has sent-
If I die and wither
I shall die content" -John Keats


"At the heart of every cynic is a frustrated romantic."

You should read my stuff on fanfiction.net because it's totally awesome (yes, yes this will make them respect me)

#13 Jordoo

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 10:56 AM

Thank you and I will try to think up names for the chapters. It's just I'm not very good when it comes to naming things. Most of the character names I got from either a D&D character name generator or a Drow name generator. lol


The chapters look great just the way you have them with big bold separated text. You can get away without actual chapter names now :blush: .
I'll stop bothering you, that way you can get to finishing the story and i can get to reading it all that much sooner :D

Edited by Jordoo, 09 November 2009 - 10:57 AM.


#14 walterharris

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Posted 15 October 2010 - 12:57 AM

Ok, Ill see what I can do this weekend in the early hours of the morning.
Some trusted websites provide hovercraft sales offers in the US.



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