Jokes!

[Grim Squeaker]

Post funny jokes here and unfunny ones... somewhere... else... (should have thought a bit more about that shouldn't of I?):

 

A rugby player is badly injured in his last game of rugby and is taken to hospital.  After much examination then the doctors say that his spine is very badly damaged and he may only survive a few weeks. The rugby player is quite concerned about this and so that night he prays to God saying that he needs to ask Him a question.  

 

In the middle of the night then an angel appears before him saying: 'We heard your prayer and are willing to answer your question.  Are you concerned about the fact you could die?'

 

He replies: 'No not at all.  I was just wondering whether I could still play rugby in heaven?'

 

The angel replies: 'Well theres good news and bad news.  The good news is that yes we do play rugby in heaven.  The bad news is that you're on the team on Friday.'

[Bri]

Two old men decided to have one last "night on the town." After a lot of drinks, they showed up at the local brothel. The madam took one look at the two old-timers and whispered to her manager, "Those two are so old and so drunk, they won't know what happened. Take them to the rooms with the inflatable dolls. They'll never know the difference!" The manager did so. The next morning, as they walked home, the first man said, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend. "Why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all night." His friend said, "That's nothing. Mine was a witch." "A witch!? Why would you think that?" "Because as soon as I started making love to her, I gave her a little bite. She farted and flew out the window!"

[Bri]

"Mommy? How old are you?" asked Little Susie. "That's not something adults like to tell," replied her mother. "Mommy? How much do you weigh?" "That's not something adults like to tell either, honey" she replied. "Well, why did you and daddy get divorced?" "We don't talk about that either, honey," she said, and ended the conversation. The next day, Little Susie talked with a friend about how her mother wouldn't answer her questions. Her friend explained, "Just look in her purse and get her driver's license. It's tells everything, like an adult's report card." That evening, Little Susie told her mother, "Mommy, I know how old you are." "How old?" her mother asked. "47. And I know how much you weigh." "Oh, really?" "Yes. You weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced." "Okay, why is that?" her mom said. Little Susie replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

[Uriel]

I've some Far Side short stories from "The PreHistory of The Far Side" I'll post here, if noone minds.

 

'The Class Project'

 

We had designed the robot in metal shop to do peaceful functions and serve mankind. Mr. Rockford supervised the project but mostly he just read his magazines and swore at us for screwing around excessively.

 

As the semester waned, a few of us who were hoping to get an "A" became concerned that the robot may indeed not be completed in time. Subsequently, we all agreed to start showing up during study hall and after school to work on the thing.

 

Without supervision, however, things gradually got out of hand. I think it was Randy Boone who suggested inserting the death-ray. It went on from there as we constructed the steel-toothed mandibles and a double-barreled flamethrower.

 

Weeks later, our creation was completed and we activated it for the first time at an assembly in front of the entire student body. Needless to say, when the carnage finally ended, we all recieved an "F".

 

'Aliens'

 

When the aliens arrived none of us were ready. We were sitting around the dinner table, mindlessly chattering, when the knock came. Aunt Rose went to the door, swung it open, and was instantly vaporized. Horrified, we watched Aunt Rose's ashes slowly settle to the floor. The door creaked shut. "Aliens!" Grandma whispered.

 

A few moments of silence followed. And the knock returned. This time Grandma grabbed her shotgun, signaled everyone to her intent, and crept quietly to the door. The kind, eternal light had left her blue eyes. Her jaw was set, and I saw the look of the vengeful she-wolf bent on protecting her cubs.

 

Grandma suddenly flung the door open and I saw her pump two rounds into Harold Schmidt, the grocer up the street. When the smoke cleared, we all stood there--quietly observing Harold's twisted, broken body.

 

"Who would have thought?" Grandma's voice quivered. "Old Harold Schmidt--a stinkin' alien!"