Bread Kills

[Bri]

1.      More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

 

2.      Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

 

3.      In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

 

4.      Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

 

5.      Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

 

q      99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.

 

q      100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.

 

q      96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.

 

q      99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.

 

q      93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

 

6.      Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

 

7.      Bread is made from a substance called “dough.†It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

 

8.      Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.

 

9.      Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

 

10.  Bread is often a “gateway†food item, leading the user to “harder†items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

 

11.  Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

 

12.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.

 

13.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

 

14.  Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

 

15.  In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

 

q      No sale of bread to minors.

 

q      A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast†campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

 

q      A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

 

q      No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

 

q      The establishment of “Bread-free†zones around schools.

[CamDawg]

This reminds of a letter I recently received about the dangers of dihydrogen oxide.

[Bri]

Yes for the threat of Dihydrogen Monoxide, go to this site

 

http://www.dhmo.org/

[Uriel]

You may think your joking, but bread can be pretty unhealthy for people susceptible to type II diabetes, like me. All the carbohydrate rich ingredients like refined flour, sugar, and corn syrup will quickly convert to glucose, thereby raising one's blood sugar. I have to be careful about carbo-rich foods, I don't have the disease yet, but the disease is in my family history.

 

I'm sure that some or most of you won't believe me about this, but it's been proven as fact by the former Dr. Atkins.

 

Ridicule me if you must.

 

Uriel

[Bri]

Why would I ridicule you Uriel?

 

I do believe you...on the other hand, people do have a tendency to laugh at something that doesn't affect them personally.

[Uriel]

Why would I ridicule you Uriel?

 

I do believe you...on the other hand, people do have a tendency to laugh at something that doesn't affect them personally.

Thank you, and boy do I know about ridicule, I had to live with it virtually all the time at school. I was always quiet, so quiet in fact that it would make a monastery proud, heh. A lot of the bullies would make fun of me, but strangely they'd never beat me up. My senior year of high school was the best year of all, and I got along with my peers well. This really helped me get through the various tragedies that befell me and my family.

 

Ah well, sorry for being so gloomy, I guess I'm in that sort of mood today.

 

Your jokes are funny though, heh.

 

Uriel

[Barren Fischa]

Yes for the threat of Dihydrogen Monoxide, go to this site

 

http://www.dhmo.org/

Is all of the site fake or is there some serious organization behind it? I really like the part about dihydrogen monoxide being the major component of acid "rain"...

[Bri]

Why would I ridicule you Uriel?

 

I do believe you...on the other hand, people do have a tendency to laugh at something that doesn't affect them personally.

Thank you, and boy do I know about ridicule, I had to live with it virtually all the time at school. I was always quiet, so quiet in fact that it would make a monastery proud, heh. A lot of the bullies would make fun of me, but strangely they'd never beat me up. My senior year of high school was the best year of all, and I got along with my peers well. This really helped me get through the various tragedies that befell me and my family.

 

Ah well, sorry for being so gloomy, I guess I'm in that sort of mood today.

 

Your jokes are funny though, heh.

 

Uriel

I understand completely Uriel. However, as I said, I was laughing at the silliness of the article (and not at any physical conditions people may have).

 

I mean, I have a few jokes about peanuts, and such, and will probably post it up later, but that doesn't mean that I have any ill-will to those who are allergic to peanuts.

 

But yes, I know sometimes my humor may cross a line but realize the intent isn't there to make fun of anone.

[Bri]

Yes for the threat of Dihydrogen Monoxide, go to this site

 

http://www.dhmo.org/

Is all of the site fake or is there some serious organization behind it? I really like the part about dihydrogen monoxide being the major component of acid "rain"...

Oh, the entire site is fake

 

Basically, a bunch of bored college students who got together and made it I believe, since its been on the web for years.

[Uriel]

No need to apologize Bri, I didn't find your humor in the least bit offensive, I just was in a gloomy mood yesterday. You see, five years ago was the worst year of my life, I suffered three deaths in my family: my mother; uncle; and grandmother. I've long ago accepted this and moved on, well when I read your humor, I laughed, then I decided to seriously point out that bread is bad for one's health, especially for me. I realized that there are some people that won't believe me, so that's why I made that statement "Ridicule me if you must". I now regret making that post, I didn't mean to imply you've insulted or offended me, you haven't. Also, the word "ridicule" reminded me of all the difficulty I had in school, and the relative ease my last year of school was. I now realize that that ease of that year was most likely my peers realizing my difficulties in overcoming my loss.

 

I'm really sorry for this, for making you think you gave offense when you didn't, it was me at fault. For the last few days I was in a pretty blue mood, remembering the past. Strange though, I'm usually a very cheerful person. I'm alright now.

 

I guess this is a "ghost of the past" problem. Don't worry, continue posting your good humor and I'll continue enjoying it:)

 

Uriel