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Comments on "Layla's Tale"


Kaeloree

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I would be interested in checking this out, but what you've got here is very difficult to read. Each line of dialogue needs a newline, and generally the text needs to be split up to make it more readable.

 

Once you've done that, it'll be much easier for people to read through. :blush:

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I agree with Kaeloree, about the structure, but I went ahead and started reading it anyways. I think Layla is much to trusting and friendly toward Izzdarrak and Izzdarrak is much to open toward Layla to start off seems like it should take alot longer. But I really am enjoying the story so far even though I have only made it the logging camp. You've put together some great elements in the party to keep things rolling along interestingly. Layla is a drow but basically a surface elf, you've got the humerous Gnome, the Motherly Cleric the dutyfull paladin (and his squire) plus the bruding Drow love interest.

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Thanks for that and I promise to work on the structure when I have the time. If you have any suggestions about how I should do that please let me know I want it to be a good story. About how fast it goes I know it goes a little to fast but what can I say I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic at times. I'll try to bring out my cynical side to fix that. lol

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I hope there is more comming soon! :blush:

 

Your male drow are way too easily swayed by a female drow treating them well, IMO. But thats a small flaw epecially since it would be shocking for them and certainly have an impact I just think it would take quite a while for them to trust. But her outlook really is kind of the main story anyway.

 

More Please!

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Thank you! :blush: I'm glad it's being so well received apart from a few structural errors. It's just when i started I said to myself I'll put it all in proper format later. I guess I just got so use to seeing it that way that I didn't like twice before posting it and I thank you all for bringing it to my attention and will probably re-post after I fix it.

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I hope you realize that I was not trying to be negative, I really enjoyed your story so far. I was just trying to be constructive and add my general thoughts although I seem to have forgotten to compliment you on the stuff I liked, oops. :D

 

I love Layla's character she's hard not to like/root for and seems to have an unbreakable spirit fitting of a drow raised on the surface by good parents. I also felt that you did a great job keeping things moving along with the story and avoiding too much character developement with the minor characters at the begginning. You kept to the main players and kind of strung the others along here and there very nicely. (except for Morrona I forget she's even around until there is a fight or something, she might benefit from a tiny bit of character developement) I can't wait to see how the romance evolves as they get past the "honeymoon" stage and learn more about each other.

 

BTW, on format, I am by no means good with grammer, spelling and the like but breaking things into paragraphs and even chapters would do wonders for the structure and general reading ease.

 

Keep up the good work, looking forward to more and thanks for posting it. :blush:

 

Edit: Oh and there is nothing wrong with being a hopless romantic, I have a soft spot for happy endings myself and always enjoy a good romance.

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BTW, on format, I am by no means good with grammer, spelling and the like but breaking things into paragraphs and even chapters would do wonders for the structure and general reading ease.

 

Quoting myself because of how unclear I am and because I forgot to finish mythoughts in the other post, wow I'm a dunce some times sorry!

 

I know that you've got chapters and paragraphs but what I'm suggesting is breaking things up to form more paragraphs and maby a blank line between each paragraph. Also possibly chapter Names in bigger bold print with spacing above and below them. Again I'm no writer or grammer freak so this is really just from an "easier on the eyes" point of view and because you asked for suggestions.

 

 

Edit: Looks like you've already started doing this. I like how you sepparated out the actual spoken lines by the characters.

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Thank you and I will try to think up names for the chapters. It's just I'm not very good when it comes to naming things. Most of the character names I got from either a D&D character name generator or a Drow name generator. lol

 

The chapters look great just the way you have them with big bold separated text. You can get away without actual chapter names now :blush: .

I'll stop bothering you, that way you can get to finishing the story and i can get to reading it all that much sooner :D

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